U.S. National Anthem to Be Rewritten in Black Metal Style for “More Intensity and Fury”
- Frostbite McScreech
- Jan 30
- 2 min read
Updated: Feb 1
By Frostbite McScreech, The Houston Throb
In a move that’s left both music enthusiasts and patriots puzzled, the United States government announced today that the national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner,” will be rewritten in a Black Metal style. The decision comes after months of discussions about making the anthem “more intense and fitting for modern America.”
“We need something that speaks to the soul of our nation—something darker, more powerful,” said government spokesperson and Black Metal aficionado, Vexor Nightblade. “We’ve listened to the people, and they’ve told us they want an anthem that truly reflects the chaos and fury of the American spirit.”
The new anthem, tentatively titled “The Shattered Banner of Fire and Blood,” will include guttural screams, blast beats, and distortion-heavy guitars. The lyrics, penned by famed Black Metal lyricist Grimgor Ashenbloom, will be an epic reimagining of Francis Scott Key’s original verses. “We’re not just rewriting the anthem—we’re burning it down and rebuilding it from the ashes,” said Ashenbloom. “It’ll be a tribute to suffering, war, and the eternal battle for freedom.”
Some citizens have expressed confusion, while others are excited about the change. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear the national anthem with 10 minutes of unrelenting blast beats and shrieking vocals?” said local headbanger Tom “Doomhammer” Daniels. “It’s about time we got rid of the boring stuff.”
However, critics argue that the new anthem may alienate a portion of the population. “What’s next, a mosh pit at the White House?” said bewildered teacher Susan Watson. “I love music, but this is a little extreme.”
Despite the backlash, the government is moving forward with plans for a nationwide performance of the new anthem at the Super Bowl, with a live broadcast featuring a lineup of Black Metal bands like Behemoth, Mayhem, and Immortal.
“We’re setting the stage for a new era,” said Vexor Nightblade. “This anthem will define a generation.”
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