New Restaurant Mandate: Pay Up or Dry Out — Water No Longer Free Under F.E.A.S.T.

Here’s In a move that has left diners parched and politicians smug, F.E.A.S.T. (Federal Eatery & Sustenance Tribunal) has decreed that all restaurants nationwide will now charge for water. The initiative, known as the “Patriot Pour Act,” was loudly celebrated by Republican lawmakers who claimed free water had long been a gateway to “liquid socialism.” Starting next week, whether you’re at a steakhouse, diner, or gas station nacho counter, you’ll be asked to fork over anywhere from 25 cents to $2 for a glass of H₂O—extra if you want ice cubes shaped like bald eagles.

Supporters insist this measure will promote “responsible sipping” and fund the War on Thirst, a political crusade against freeloading gulps. Senator Chet McDrymouth (R-TX) declared, “Water is a luxury, not a right,” moments before downing a free bottle of French sparkling water at the press event. Critics, however, note the policy was quietly backed by the Salt Enthusiasts of America, who are betting that drier mouths will send appetizer sales—and sodium consumption—skyrocketing. In other words: pay up, or prepare to chew your mozzarella sticks in silence.

#WaterGate2025 #ThirstTax #PatriotPour #StayDryAmerica #HTX #Houston #HoustonNews #THT #TheHoustonThrob