Mattress Mack Donates Fortune to Zoolander’s Reading Center, Assures Public He’s Not a Cyborg

By Paige Turner, Literacy and Lifestyle Reporter

HOUSTON, TX – Beloved Houston icon and furniture mogul Jim “Mattress Mack” McIngvale has once again proven his generosity by donating his entire fortune to the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too. In an emotional press conference, Mack explained that he was inspired by the center’s mission to help kids “not just read good, but do everything else at least marginally well.”

“The world doesn’t need another recliner or a bigger mattress sale,” said Mack, standing proudly in front of a giant novelty check. “What it needs is kids who can spell words like ‘ambidextrous’ and ‘onomatopoeia.’ And if they can’t spell it, well, they’ll at least know what it means.”

Why Zoolander?

The surprising decision to donate to a center founded by fictional male model Derek Zoolander has baffled some Houstonians, but Mack was quick to defend his choice. “Have you seen the center?” he said. “It’s 3 stories tall and made entirely of steel and really, really ridiculously good-looking glass. You can’t put a price on that kind of architectural inspiration. And it’s for the children!”

The funding will reportedly go toward expanding the center’s curriculum, which currently includes courses such as “How to Turn Left,” “Advanced Blue Steel,” and “Intro to Reading Good.”

In a statement issued from his yacht-shaped library, Zoolander praised Mattress Mack’s contribution: “Mack’s donation is so big and important, I can barely fit it in my brain. It’s like, one million gazillion percent generous. This will help kids everywhere be less dumb.”

Mack’s Health Rumors: “I Am Not a Cyborg”

The announcement comes just weeks after Mack underwent open-heart surgery, a procedure that has sparked wild rumors about his condition. Social media exploded with conspiracy theories that Mack is now part cyborg, with many pointing to his seemingly endless energy and the uncanny way he always shows up on TV exactly when Houston needs him most.

“I want to set the record straight,” Mack said, laughing off the speculation. “I’m not a cyborg. My heart is still 100% Mattress Mack, and the only metal parts in me are the screws from when I fell off a bunk bed trying to sell it in 1989.”

However, skeptics remain unconvinced. “Have you ever seen Mack not wearing a shirt?” tweeted @HoustonConspiracyHQ. “Exactly.”

Public Reaction

Houstonians, for the most part, have applauded Mack’s decision. “If anyone can make a fictional reading center real, it’s Mattress Mack,” said local resident Maria Gonzalez. “Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he builds an entire Zoolander Literacy Wing in Memorial Park by next week.”

Others, however, are less supportive. “I’m all for helping kids, but I can’t believe Mack gave up his money without launching a citywide mattress sale first,” said Dale Winters, who has been waiting for a new loveseat to go on clearance. “Feels like a missed opportunity.”

The Future of Literacy

Despite some naysayers, Mack remains focused on his legacy. “This isn’t just about money,” he said. “It’s about giving back to a world that’s given me so much. And maybe, just maybe, it’s about helping kids learn that there’s more to life than ridiculously good-looking furniture.”

Meanwhile, Zoolander has promised to honor Mack’s contribution by renaming the center’s library “The Mattress Mack Room for Books and Other Things You Can Do Besides Sitting on a Sofa.”

When asked if he’d ever consider going into business with Zoolander, Mack smiled and replied, “Only if he can help me sell a few futons while perfecting his Magnum.”

One thing is certain: Mattress Mack’s legacy of generosity will live on, proving that even in a world of cyborg rumors, big hearts always win.