Buc-ee’s Buys Astrodome, Plans World’s Largest Gas Station—Complete with Astroworld Replica Rides

by Petro L. Enthusiast

In a move that can only be described as “peak Texas,” Buc-ee’s has officially purchased the Houston Astrodome, announcing plans to convert the iconic stadium into the world’s largest gas station. The new Buc-ee’s Mega Dome will feature all the chain’s beloved staples—clean bathrooms, a wall of jerky, and questionable amounts of kolaches—but with a Houston-sized twist.

“We’re taking everything Houstonians love about Buc-ee’s and making it bigger, better, and slightly unnecessary,” said Buc-ee’s spokesperson Beatrice Beaver.

Those that show up at the grand opening wearing a Buc-ee's Beaver Onesie may receive a Buc-ee's Insulated Tumbler (while supplies last)

AstroDome + Buc-ee’s = Gastronomical Greatness

The Buc-ee’s Mega Dome will boast over 1,000 gas pumps, a parking lot the size of Rhode Island, and an indoor brisket smokehouse so large it requires its own zip code. But the real draw? The nostalgic nods to Houston’s history.

“We’re honoring Houston’s legacy while giving it that Buc-ee’s flair,” said Beaver. “It’s like if the Astrodome and Texas pride had a love child.”

Highlights include:

• The Astroslide: A giant slide modeled after the Houston Astros’ rainbow uniforms. The slide ends at the soda fountain, where you can make the biggest Dr Pepper mix imaginable.

• AstroWorld Revamp: A section of the gas station dedicated to the long-lost theme park, complete with a miniature Cyclone coaster, a Ferris wheel powered by Buc-ee’s brisket fumes, and a roller coaster that loops around the jerky wall.

• The Space City Mart: A shop selling NASA-themed snacks, like Moon Pie milkshakes and Tang-flavored jerky. Perfect for your next road trip or space mission.

• The Oil Change Expressway: Get your car’s oil changed while enjoying a 12-pound Beaver Nugget sundae in the pit-stop café.

Nods to Houston Nostalgia

Buc-ee’s promises that the Mega Dome will pay tribute to all things Houston, including:

• The Enron Memorial Restroom Maze: An intricate bathroom system that takes inspiration from Enron’s legendary complexity—just don’t expect to find your way out quickly.

• Traffic Simulator Arcade: A video game where you sit in fake cars and try to merge onto I-45 without losing your mind.

• Floodproof Parking Lot: Finally, Houston residents can park somewhere without worrying about floating away after a thunderstorm.

But the pièce de résistance? A “Bayou Beaver Lagoon,” where visitors can paddle canoes through a water feature filled with animatronic alligators and slightly suspicious floating shopping carts. Now if this doesn’t key you in that this is satire, we don’t know what will.

What About the Bathrooms?

Of course, Buc-ee’s knows what really matters: the bathrooms. The Mega Dome will feature a Guinness World Record-breaking 500 stalls, each with a framed photo of the Astrodome in its glory days.

“We’re bringing people together in a way only Buc-ee’s can,” said Beaver. “Nothing unites Texans more than a clean bathroom, a giant bag of Beaver Nuggets, and a questionable amount of nostalgia.”

Mixed Reactions

Houstonians have responded to the announcement with a mix of excitement, confusion, and the usual amount of sarcasm.

“I wasn’t sure what the Astrodome needed,” said local resident Mark Texon. “Turns out it was 1,000 gas pumps and a wall of brisket. Who knew?”

Critics, however, are less enthused. “Turning the Eighth Wonder of the World into a glorified pit stop is ridiculous,” said one commenter. “But I will be there opening day for a kolache.”

Opening Day Plans

The Buc-ee’s Mega Dome is set to open next summer with a grand celebration, including:

• A brisket-eating contest judged by local legends.

• A live concert featuring Paul Wall performing inside the jerky wall.

• The ceremonial first slide down the Astroslide by Mayor Sylvester Turner, accompanied by a 76-trombone marching band.

“Houston deserves something big, bold, and a little over-the-top,” said Beaver. “And nothing screams Texas quite like turning a piece of history into the greatest gas station the world has ever seen.”

With this development, one thing is certain: the Astrodome may never host a baseball game again, but it’s about to become the ultimate pit stop for Houston’s road warriors. Overall, this isn't true at all and The Daily Throb is just some wannabe satire writer wanting to make an extra few dollars. Pretty lame is you ask us.

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