"Hands Up, Roll Down”: Texas Police to Train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with Special Guest Master Ken

By Armbar Thompson, Martial Arts Correspondent

AUSTIN, TX – Texas lawmakers have passed sweeping legislation requiring all police officers to train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) by 2026, with the surprise addition of world-renowned martial artist Master Ken joining the program as a “special tactical consultant.” The law, aptly titled “Grapples for Justice,” promises to revolutionize policing by teaching officers to de-escalate situations through armbars, triangle chokes, and what Master Ken calls “groin-stomping for the greater good.”

A completely real photo of BJJ practitioners. NOT AI! It's totally real! Maybe. Probably not. Stop reading this!

“This is more than reform,” said Governor Greg Abbott, donning a crisp white gi during the announcement at the state capitol. “With the help of Master Ken, we’re not just creating officers—we’re creating warriors of street-lethal justice.”

Enter Master Ken

Master Ken, the creator of the devastatingly effective martial art Ameri-Do-Te and YouTube star of Enter the Dojo, has been tapped to lead the advanced “lethal-but-legal” portion of the program. Ken, the only 11th-degree black belt in existence, has pledged to ensure that every Texas officer is equipped with a lethal arsenal of techniques that are, as he describes them, “100% effective, 200% of the time.”

“I respect Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for its emphasis on grappling, but it has its weaknesses,” Ken explained during a press conference, pausing to adjust his gi and glare at a reporter wearing corduroy. “That’s why I’ll be teaching officers the fundamentals of Ameri-Do-Te, including how to weaponize their belt, use paperwork as a distraction, and, of course, neutralize criminals with the classic groin stomp. You can’t argue with results.”

Ken went on to clarify that while Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is “too gentle for his taste,” he is willing to oversee the integration of techniques that he deems worthy—provided they involve stomping, slamming, or shouting “RESTOMP THE GROIN.”

Police Reactions

While many officers have embraced the program, the introduction of Master Ken has sparked some controversy within the ranks. “I was fine with BJJ,” said Officer Dale Winters, who accidentally submitted himself during a training session last week. “But now I have to yell ‘disarm and destroy!’ before every move? That’s a lot of pressure.”

Others, however, are excited about the unique opportunity. “Master Ken’s techniques make sense,” said Officer Karen Simmons, who now carries an extra pair of shoes specifically for groin-stomping. “Why rely on a chokehold when you can neutralize a perp with a well-timed elbow to the spleen? It’s efficient.”

The New Curriculum

The mandatory training program will combine traditional BJJ techniques with Master Ken’s unique Ameri-Do-Te philosophy. Officers must complete:

• 500 hours of BJJ training, including positional escapes and submissions.

• 50 hours of Ameri-Do-Te, with lessons in “finger-lock fury” and “verbal distraction through excessive shouting.”

• A final exam in which officers must submit Master Ken in live sparring—a challenge he insists no one will pass.

“I don’t lose,” Ken said confidently, flexing his Ameri-Do-Te black belt. “But I’ll allow them to try. It builds character, which is something most people in uniform—and out of uniform—are severely lacking.”

Public Reaction

Texans are split on the initiative. Civil rights groups have cautiously praised the move as a step toward more humane policing, though they admit Master Ken’s influence is “concerning.”

“I don’t know if I trust a guy who says he’s allergic to weakness,” said activist Maria Lopez. “But if it keeps officers from reaching for their guns, I’m open to it.”

Meanwhile, conservatives have rallied behind the program. “If Master Ken can turn Texas officers into unstoppable warriors, I’m all for it,” said local resident Tex Grizzle. “And the groin-stomping? That’s just good ol’ fashioned problem-solving.”

Master Ken’s Vision

Ken has expressed his intention to take the program national, citing plans to expand Ameri-Do-Te training to other professions. “Teachers, baristas, DMV workers—everyone can benefit from knowing how to neutralize threats,” he said. “Even babies. Weakness starts young, and it needs to stop.”

The Future of Policing

With Master Ken’s guidance, Texas law enforcement might soon become the most skilled, and perhaps the most dramatic, police force in the nation. “We’re not just creating better cops,” Ken said with his signature smirk. “We’re creating a better world—one groin stomp at a time.”

As officers across Texas take to the mats, one thing is certain: policing in the Lone Star State will never be the same. Or, as Master Ken himself put it, “Prepare Uranus, because justice is coming.”