Bigfoot Mania Grips Houston: Local Expert Vows to Solve the Mystery

By Harry P. Furman, Houston Throb Cryptid Correspondent

Move over traffic woes and humidity—Houston has a new mystery: Bigfoot. Recent sightings of the legendary creature in and around Houston have sparked a frenzy, with everyone from amateur cryptid hunters to confused joggers claiming they’ve seen the elusive Sasquatch.

“I know what I saw,” said local resident Linda Barkwell, who claims she spotted Bigfoot while walking her Pomeranian, Princess Tootsbucket, in Memorial Park. “It was tall, hairy, and looked like it hadn’t paid rent in years. It had to be Bigfoot! I ran!”

But fear not, Houston. Blake Plowlard, self-proclaimed Bigfoot expert and Katy resident, is on the case.

Bigfoot Sightings On the Rise

The Houston area has become a hotbed of alleged Bigfoot activity, with sightings reported as far north as The Woodlands and as far south as Galveston. Witnesses describe the creature as “massive,” “furry,” and “weirdly chill for someone living without an iPhone or Amazon account.”

Local conspiracy theorist Yancey Clevenhagen, long considered the reigning voice in Texas Bigfoot lore, was not available for comment. Sources suggest he may have “gone dark” after rumors surfaced that he had secretly married a Bigfoot. While unconfirmed, the theory has gained traction, with some claiming they’ve spotted a hairy couple shopping for matching Crocs at the Katy Mills Mall.

Enter Blake Plowlard

Blake Plowlard, Katy’s premier cryptid investigator and author of the self-published book Bigfoot & Me: A Footprint of Friendship, has declared himself the man to solve the mystery.

“I’ve been tracking Bigfoot since I was eight years old,” Plowlard said during a press conference held in his backyard, which featured a suspiciously large amount of jerky drying on a clothesline. “This is my moment. Houston deserves answers, and I’m here to deliver.”

Plowlard’s plan? A combination of state-of-the-art technology and good old-fashioned ingenuity. “I’ve set up motion-activated cameras, bait traps filled with beef brisket, and even a karaoke machine playing Fleetwood Mac’s Go Your Own Way. I hear Bigfoot has great taste in music.”

Theories Abound

Not everyone is convinced the sightings are real. “This is Houston,” said local skeptic Gary Doubtman. “It’s probably just a guy in a bad Halloween costume trying to steal catalytic converters.”

Plowlard, however, remains undeterred. “Bigfoot is out there,” he said, gesturing dramatically toward the woods behind his house. “And he’s probably sick of being called a myth. I’m going to find him, and when I do, Houston will finally have its proof—or at least a really great TikTok.”

Skepticism and Support

While many remain dubious, some Houstonians are fully on board with Plowlard’s mission. “I believe in Bigfoot,” said Ruby Sanchez, a bartender in Montrose. “If giant hairless cats can exist in this city, why not Bigfoot? Also, if someone finds him, I’ll totally name a cocktail after him. Maybe something with bourbon and… hair?”

Meanwhile, Yancey Clevenhagen’s supposed Bigfoot marriage has sparked its own wave of theories. “If Yancey’s married to Bigfoot, that explains why we haven’t seen him in years,” Plowlard said. “He’s probably living off the grid, raising little Bigfoots—or is it Bigfeet? Either way, that guy owes me twenty bucks.”

What’s Next?

As Plowlard gears up for his next Bigfoot-hunting expedition—complete with a rented airboat and night vision goggles borrowed from his cousin—he remains optimistic. “This isn’t just about finding Bigfoot,” he said. “It’s about proving that Houston is more than just traffic and bad drivers. We’ve got culture, history, and apparently, a massive hairy man wandering the woods. And I’m going to find him.”

Until then, Houstonians are encouraged to report any sightings, strange footprints, or mysteriously empty brisket trays directly to Plowlard. “Bigfoot isn’t going to find himself,” Plowlard said. “But if anyone can do it, it’s me—and maybe Yancey, if he takes a break from family life.”

Stay tuned, Houston. This story has legs—big, hairy ones.

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