Study Confirms Texas Republicans Are Literal Snowflakes, Sparks Statewide Meltdown

By Frosty Winters, Political Correspondent

TEXAS – A groundbreaking new scientific study has sent shockwaves through the Lone Star State, revealing that Texas Republicans are, in fact, the literal snowflakes they’ve long accused liberals of being.

The study, conducted by a team of unbiased scientists with clipboards, confirms that the genetic makeup of Texas Republicans contains a unique molecular structure strikingly similar to that of actual snowflakes—fragile, unique, and prone to melting under the slightest hint of warmth.

“Meltdown of Epic Proportions”

“This is an attack on our way of life,” declared State Senator Dale Hardscrabble (R-Amarillo), whose face turned visibly red as he denied the findings during a press conference. “I am not a snowflake. I am a proud, sturdy Texan. These so-called ‘scientists’ clearly have a liberal agenda, just like the weather.”

When you call everyone else a snowflake but throw a blizzard when Starbucks changes their cup design

The reaction has been swift and furious. Prominent Texas Republicans have demanded an immediate retraction of the study, calling it “junk science.” Governor Greg Abbott vowed to ban any further research into snowflake genetics, stating, “We will not allow snowflake propaganda to infiltrate Texas classrooms or our state fairs.”

Scientific Findings

The study, published in the journal Frigid Truths, was led by Dr. Sylvia Chillings of the National Atmospheric Research Institute. It involved meticulous DNA analysis, psychological profiling, and watching hours of Twitter arguments.

“Our findings were undeniable,” Dr. Chillings said. “Republicans in Texas exhibit all the classic traits of snowflakes: hypersensitivity to differing opinions, an inability to cope with change, and an alarming tendency to melt down when faced with facts they don’t like.”

She added, “It’s ironic, really, since they’ve been throwing the term at liberals for years. Turns out, the pot was calling the kettle frosty.”

Cultural Fallout

The news has sparked a frenzy of activity among Texas Republicans, who are reportedly holding emergency meetings to strategize how to “de-snowflake” their image. Rumors suggest plans to construct an enormous snowplow monument in Austin to symbolize their toughness.

Meanwhile, liberals across Texas have wasted no time embracing the irony. Thousands have taken to social media, using hashtags like #SnowflakeGate, #MeltedMajorities, and #TexasFlurry, while memes featuring Republicans as cartoonish snowmen flood the internet.

One viral meme features a photo of Senator Ted Cruz captioned, “The only blizzard he’s loyal to is at Dairy Queen.”

Real Snowflakes React

Adding to the chaos, actual snowflakes have released a statement condemning the comparison. “We find it deeply offensive to be equated with individuals so hostile to science and reason,” said a spokesperson for the snowflake community, Frostina Icicle. “We’re beautiful, fleeting creations of nature. They’re… well, let’s just say we don’t want them in our cloud.”

The Inevitable Lawsuit

Prominent Republican donor and self-proclaimed “non-snowflake” billionaire Tex Grizzle has announced plans to sue the scientists behind the study, claiming the findings have caused “emotional distress and irreparable damage to his tough-guy brand.”

In a fiery statement, Grizzle declared, “I haven’t melted once in my life. If anything, I’m more like a glacier: slow-moving, unstoppable, and devastating to the environment.”

What’s Next for Texas?

Despite the uproar, scientists are urging calm and encouraging Texas Republicans to embrace their snowflake nature. “Snowflakes can be beautiful and impactful, especially when they come together,” said Dr. Chillings.

But if Texas Republicans have anything to say about it, their snowflake status won’t stick around for long. As one anonymous state official put it, “We’re going to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, crank the AC down to 50, and prove we’re tougher than a blizzard in January.”

For now, though, it appears that Texas Republicans will just have to weather the storm—and hope the next study doesn’t find them to be even thinner-skinned than previously thought.