Joel Osteen Quits Ministry to Sell Hotdogs: “I’ve Always Loved Weenies”

By Holly Roller, Lifestyle and Dining Correspondent

HOUSTON, TX – In a move that has left his followers shocked and confused, televangelist Joel Osteen has announced he is stepping away from the pulpit to pursue a new calling: selling hotdogs. The former megachurch pastor revealed his plans to open a gourmet hotdog cart in downtown Houston, a decision he says was divinely inspired.

“For years, I’ve preached about living your best life,” Osteen said at a press conference. “Well, my best life is about hotdogs. Simple, humble, and full of flavor—they’re little blessings in a bun.”

Introducing “Holy Franks”

Osteen’s hotdog cart, aptly named Holy Franks, will debut next month and feature a menu of spiritually inspired creations.

Among the offerings are:

• The Hallelujah Hound: A classic all-beef hotdog with ketchup, mustard, and relish.

• The Prosperity Pup: Topped with truffle oil, gold flakes, and caviar, because “God wants you to eat in abundance.”

• The Miracle Meatless: A vegan option crafted from the finest plant-based proteins.

“There’s a hotdog for everyone,” Osteen promised. “Even those who think weenies aren’t for them. They just haven’t found the right one yet.”

A Leap of Faith

Osteen insists this career change isn’t as drastic as it seems. “Hotdogs and sermons aren’t so different,” he explained. “Both are about bringing people together, making them feel good, and leaving them satisfied.”

When asked why he chose hotdogs, Osteen smiled and said, “It’s simple: I’ve always loved weenies. There’s something wholesome and joyful about them. Plus, they’re easier to sell than salvation.”

No Hotdogs for the Homeless

Despite the shift in careers, Osteen has made it clear that his new venture will not include feeding the homeless. “This isn’t a charity, it’s a business,” Osteen said, brushing off questions about community outreach. “If someone wants a hotdog, they can buy one like everyone else.” He also reassured followers that in the event of a natural disaster, he and his close friend Senator Ted Cruz, affectionately referred to as “Teddy C.,” have plans to vacation in Mexico or other undisclosed locations. “We’re not disaster experts,” Osteen added. “Sometimes the best way to help is to remove yourself from the situation entirely.”

Mixed Reactions

The announcement has left Houstonians buzzing. Devout followers are struggling to reconcile the move with Osteen’s spiritual leadership. “First the sermons, now sausages?” said Karen Simmons, a longtime admirer. “I just hope he prays over the hotdogs.”

Others, however, are excited about the prospect of Holy Franks. “If anyone can make a hotdog taste divine, it’s Joel,” said local foodie Dale Winters. “I’ll take three Prosperity Pups, hold the guilt.”

A New Legacy

As he steps into his new role as a purveyor of franks, Osteen says he’s at peace with his decision. “I’ve spent years feeding people’s souls,” he said. “Now it’s time to feed their stomachs. And honestly, hotdogs bring a joy that sermons just can’t match.”

When asked if he’ll miss preaching, Osteen shook his head. “Every hotdog I serve is a little sermon in itself. It says, ‘You’re loved, you’re valued, and you’re worthy of extra toppings.’”

The Future of Holy Franks

Osteen plans to launch Holy Franks with a grand opening celebration featuring free hotdogs for the first 1,000 customers. He’s also hinted at potential collaborations, including a “Faith and Franks” pop-up at local events.

“Life is about following your calling, no matter where it leads you,” Osteen said. “For me, it just so happens to lead to mustard and relish.”

With a smile and a wink, he added, “And remember, the bigger the hotdog, the greater the blessing.”