Experts Confirm Autism Officially Linked to… Autism

By Paige Turne

In what officials are calling “the most self-evident discovery in scientific history,” a new report has confirmed that autism is linked to autism.

The revelation came after a team of researchers—well, one guy with a clipboard—announced they had finally cracked the code. “After years of investigation, we determined autistic people tend to… also be autistic,” he explained proudly, as if unveiling the cure for gravity.

Pressed for clarification, he added, “You see, when someone has autism, there’s a strong statistical chance that they, in fact, have autism. The numbers don’t lie.”

Scientists around the world collectively sighed, nodded slowly, and continued their actual work.

The governing individual behind the finding (who refuses to specify what, exactly, he governs) described the discovery as “revolutionary,” comparing it to “finally realizing water is linked to wetness.”

He then concluded his remarks by promising further research into whether circles are linked to roundness.