Beef? Not Today: Nolan Ryan Hits a Home Run for Vegans with Plant-Based Meats

By Brie de Fromage, Food Snob Extraordinaire

TEXAS – In a move that has left carnivores clutching their briskets, Texas legend and former MLB star Nolan Ryan has announced that his iconic meat brand will be going 100% plant-based. Yes, you heard it correctly: Nolan Ryan, the Sultan of Steaks, the Brisket Baron, the Beefy Bambino, is trading T-bones for tofu.

“After years of pitching beef, I’ve realized it’s time for a curveball,” Ryan declared at a press conference held outside a Whole Foods. “Plant-based meats are the future. Plus, they don’t moo at you when you’re trying to sleep.”

The Big Swing

The decision marks a dramatic pivot for Ryan, who has spent decades building his brand as a purveyor of high-quality beef. His new venture, Nolan’s Naturals, will focus entirely on vegan meat alternatives, featuring products like “No-Moo Burgers,” “Slugger Sausages,” and the highly anticipated “Beyond Ballpark Franks.”

“Some people think I’m crazy for giving up beef,” Ryan admitted, “but I say to them: I’ve already thrown seven no-hitters. What have you done?”

A Culinary Grand Slam

The announcement has sent shockwaves through the barbecue-loving state of Texas, with reactions ranging from delight to existential despair. Local vegan influencers, clad in ironic cowboy hats, are celebrating the move as a watershed moment for plant-based dining.

“This is the brisket-free breath of fresh air Texas needs,” said kale enthusiast and food blogger Sprout McGreens. “Nolan Ryan is proving that you can pitch in life and on the plate without slaughtering an innocent cow. What a legend.”

Meanwhile, meat purists are struggling to come to terms with the news. “This feels like a betrayal,” said longtime fan Dale Winters, who once named his smoker “The Ryan Express.” “I don’t care how good these plant patties are—I’m not trading my ribeye for something made of mushrooms and sorrow.”

The Science of No-Steak

Ryan has partnered with leading plant-based scientists to develop his new line of products, which he promises will deliver all the flavor of traditional meat without the guilt. “Our burgers sizzle like the real thing,” he said, pausing to dramatically bite into a No-Moo Slider. “And our sausages? Let’s just say they’re wurst in name only.”

According to Ryan, his new line is also better for athletes. “I’ve seen firsthand how a plant-based diet improves recovery and performance,” he said. “Back in my day, we thought steak was the secret to strength. Turns out, we should’ve been eating lentils and quinoa. Go figure.”

A Steak-Free State

Critics argue that Ryan’s decision could have devastating consequences for Texas’ barbecue culture. “If Nolan Ryan goes vegan, who’s next? Willie Nelson? Are we going to start smoking jackfruit instead of brisket?” lamented pitmaster Hank “Meat” Johnson.

But Ryan remains undeterred. “Texas isn’t defined by beef—it’s defined by resilience and reinvention,” he said. “If we can deep fry butter and call it cuisine, we can handle soy-based ribs.”

The Vegan Dugout

Ryan’s team is already preparing a marketing blitz for Nolan’s Naturals, complete with slogans like “Meat Your Match” and “Steer Clear of Cows.” The products will debut alongside a cookbook titled Field of Greens: A Vegan Playbook for Carnivores.

Even his former teammates are getting in on the action. “At first, I thought he was joking,” said Hall of Famer George Brett. “But after I tried his ‘Chik’n’ Wings, I was like, ‘Okay, this might actually be a home run.’”

A Future Without Moo-s

As Ryan prepares to launch his new venture, he’s urging Texans to embrace the change. “Don’t think of this as losing beef,” he said. “Think of it as gaining beans. Lots and lots of beans.”

Whether this move signals the dawn of a new era or the end of barbecue as we know it, one thing is certain: Nolan Ryan is proving that even legends can evolve. And if a pitcher can trade fastballs for faux meatballs, maybe there’s hope for the rest of us too.

So grab your forks and dig into the future, folks. Just make sure you leave room for a side of humility—because when it comes to plant-based dining, it’s no longer a game of who’s got beef. The only thing being served here is justice, and maybe a little bit of tempeh.

“Tofu never struck out,” Ryan quipped as he closed his speech. “And neither will we.”