The Woodlands to Convert 70% of All Roads Into Tollways to Fund “Luxury Mosquito Control”

By Lane Feesman

Drivers in The Woodlands will soon be paying a premium for their morning commutes, as officials announce plans to convert 70% of the area’s roads—including neighborhood streets—into tollways. The revenue? It’s all going toward an ambitious project to make The Woodlands “America’s first mosquito-free suburb.”

“We’re sparing no expense,” said one city planner. “We’ll be installing AI-powered mosquito zappers, hiring drone-operated citronella sprayers, and even importing mosquito-repelling frogs from Japan.”

While some residents applaud the effort to eliminate the city’s biggest summer nuisance, others aren’t thrilled about paying just to leave their own driveways. “I bought a house in a quiet neighborhood, not a permanent EZ Tag zone,” said one frustrated homeowner.

The pricing structure remains unclear, though officials promise “reasonable rates” based on how badly residents want to enjoy their backyard without being eaten alive.

“We see this as a win-win,” said one official. “People hate mosquitoes, and they’ll hate paying tolls even more—so they’ll just stay home. Less traffic, fewer bites, problem solved.”

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