Houston Café Introduces 15% Discount for Self-Service Customers, Economy Collapses

By Chip T. Wallet

HOUSTON, TX – In a groundbreaking move that economists are calling “either revolutionary or completely unnecessary,” local café Brew & Chew has introduced a 15% discount for customers who do all the work themselves.

Owner Linda Stirwell, tired of customers questioning why they were tipping for counter service, decided to flip the script. “If tipping is supposed to reward service, then logically, self-service should mean self-savings,” Stirwell explained while watching a confused customer try to make their own latte.

The policy, which gives a 15-20% discount to those who pour their own coffee, bus their own tables, and maybe even wash a dish or two, has been met with mixed reactions.

“I love it! I just saved $2.75 and only spilled a little bit of oat milk on my shoes,” said local tech worker Brian Peters. “Feels empowering.”

But not everyone is on board. The Texas Service Workers Alliance issued a statement condemning the move, warning that “if people get used to not tipping, baristas may have to start making a livable wage.”

Meanwhile, other Houston businesses are watching closely. A local gas station considered offering 10% off for customers who clean their own windshield and check their own tire pressure but scrapped the idea after realizing people already do that for free.

Back at Brew & Chew, Stirwell remains unfazed by the controversy. “If people want to pay full price and still tip, I won’t stop them,” she said. “I’m not a monster.”

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