History Books to Be Updated: Jesus Now Credited with Founding the U.S. and Writing the Declaration of Independence
- Paul Revere Jr.
- Feb 11
- 2 min read
By Paul Revere Jr., The Daily Throb
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking revision of American history, a newly approved education policy will require history books to be updated to credit Jesus Christ as the Founding Father of the United States and the sole author of the Declaration of Independence.
The decision, spearheaded by a coalition of overenthusiastic patriots and creative historians, has sent shockwaves through academic circles, with scholars scrambling to figure out how, exactly, Jesus managed to sign a document in 1776.
“It Just Feels Right,” Say Supporters
According to proponents of the change, the move was necessary to ensure that American history reflects the “proper spiritual foundations” of the nation.
“Jesus didn’t just walk on water—he walked into Philadelphia in 1776, sat down with a quill, and gave us freedom,” said Senator Bill Righteous, a leading advocate for the rewrite. “The Declaration of Independence isn’t just a political document. It’s a holy text.”
New textbooks will now feature an updated portrait of the Founding Fathers, with Jesus placed at the center, holding the freshly penned Declaration while Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin nod approvingly.
Historians Face Existential Crisis
Not surprisingly, the academic community has not responded well to the changes.
“This is…not how history works,” said Dr. Emily Knowles, a professor of Early American Studies at Harvard. “There is exactly zero evidence that Jesus attended the Constitutional Convention, owned a powdered wig, or, you know, lived in the 18th century.”
Dr. Bernard Finch, a historian who has spent 30 years studying Jefferson’s writings, is reportedly considering early retirement.
“I don’t even know what to say anymore,” he muttered. “Are we gonna say Jesus also fought in the Civil War next?”
New Curriculum to Be Rolled Out Immediately
The new textbooks will begin circulating in schools next semester, with additional “corrections” to include:
• Jesus crossing the Delaware with George Washington
• A revised Constitution that simply reads, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”
• Paul Revere’s midnight ride now involving divine prophecy
• A footnote suggesting that Benedict Arnold was actually Judas Iscariot in disguise
Meanwhile, fact-checkers and reality-based thinkers across the country are preparing for their toughest year yet.
Public Reaction: “Makes As Much Sense as Anything Else”
Public reaction has been mixed, with many Americans struggling to process the news.
“Look, I was never great at history, but I feel like this is… not correct?” said Ryan Henderson, a confused Ohio resident.
Others, however, have fully embraced the new version of history, with some calling for additional changes, including:
✅ Rewriting the Pledge of Allegiance to credit Jesus as Commander-in-Chief
✅ Replacing the bald eagle with a dove holding a Bible
✅ Declaring July 4th as “Jesus’ Second Birthday”
Despite the controversy, one thing is certain: history just got a lot more interesting.
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