FDA Officially Classifies Fruity Pebbles as Health Food, Nutritionists Resign in Protest

By Barry Crunch, The Daily Throb

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning turn of events, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has officially reclassified Fruity Pebbles as a health food, causing mass confusion, outrage, and—most importantly—celebration among cereal enthusiasts.

The decision came after a lengthy debate on what actually qualifies as “healthy” in the modern food landscape, with the FDA ultimately determining that Fruity Pebbles, due to its fortified vitamins, whole grains, and “good vibes,” now meets the criteria.

“It’s Basically a Salad”

FDA spokesperson Dr. Linda Oatridge defended the ruling, citing the presence of essential vitamins and minerals in Fruity Pebbles.

“Fruity Pebbles contains Vitamin D, Iron, and Riboflavin,” Oatridge explained. “If you pour milk over it, boom—you’ve got protein and calcium. In many ways, it’s more balanced than what most Americans eat for breakfast. Plus, it’s rainbow-colored, and everyone knows colorful foods are good for you.”

The announcement was met with mass resignation from leading nutritionists, with Dr. Gordon Wheatley calling it “the day science officially gave up.”

Social Media Reacts: “Breakfast Just Got Justice”

The decision has sent shockwaves across the internet, with #PebblesAreHealthy trending on X (formerly Twitter) as fans rejoice in the cereal’s newfound status.

• “I’ve been right all along. Mom, you owe me an apology.”

• “If Fruity Pebbles is health food, I’m officially a wellness guru.”

• “First they reclassified ketchup as a vegetable, now this. What a time to be alive.”

Big Cereal Capitalizes on the Moment

Following the ruling, Fruity Pebbles’ parent company, Post Consumer Brands, wasted no time rebranding the cereal as a health-conscious superfood.

The updated box design now features:

✅ A heart-healthy label

✅ An image of a runner enjoying a bowl

✅ A new tagline: “Fuel Your Body, Feed Your Soul”

Other sugary cereals are now petitioning for similar reclassifications, with Cap’n Crunch lobbying for recognition as “brain food” and Cocoa Puffs seeking placement in the “antioxidant-rich diet” category.

What’s Next?

While nutrition experts are still grappling with the implications, everyday Americans are embracing their new guilt-free breakfast option.

“This is the best day of my life,” said longtime Fruity Pebbles loyalist Chad McMuffin. “Now excuse me while I pour myself a fourth bowl.”

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#FruityPebbles #HealthFood #FDA #CerealWins #THT #TheHoustonThrob