Boston Zombies Outraged Over Declining Brain Quality: “No Substance Anymore!”

By Mort Decay, The Daily Throb

BOSTON — The undead have spoken, and they are deeply disappointed.

In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, a group of self-proclaimed “vintage brain connoisseurs” from the Boston zombie community has come forward to voice their disgust over what they describe as a “severe decline in brain quality.”

“Back in My Day, Brains Had Depth”

A press conference, held in an abandoned alleyway behind Fenway Park, was led by Reginald ‘Reggie’ Rottsworth, a 300-year-old zombie and self-described ‘brain enthusiast.’

“These new-age brains are just… empty calories,” sighed Rottsworth, gnawing disappointedly on a half-eaten skull. “No depth, no complexity, no real substance. Just sports talk radio takes and Dunkin’ orders.”

According to the assembled undead, brains today are alarmingly low in essential nutrients, particularly critical thinking, historical knowledge, and original thoughts.

“We Miss the Classics”

Older zombies in attendance reminisced about the good old days, when consuming a brain meant absorbing useful information, rich philosophy, and well-formed opinions.

“We used to get entire encyclopedias’ worth of knowledge from a single bite,” grumbled Gertrude Sludge, a Civil War-era zombie. “Now it’s just ‘Brady or Belichick?’ and whatever was on Barstool yesterday.”

Another zombie, who identified himself only as “Grumbles,” lamented the decline in critical thinking skills.

“Used to be, you ate a brain, you got a lecture on Aristotle or some deep scientific theory. Now? Just ‘Have you seen my fantasy football lineup?’ It’s depressing.”

Scientists Weigh In

Neuroscientists at Harvard Medical School have yet to comment on the complaints but speculate that the zombies may be reacting to the increasing short-form content consumption of modern humans.

“If people today are thinking less critically and engaging less in deep learning, it stands to reason that their brains might actually be… shallower,” said Dr. Phillip Gray, a cognitive researcher. “But to hear it directly from the zombie population? That’s fascinating.”

A Grim Future for Gourmet Ghouls?

In response to the growing dissatisfaction, some zombies have begun ‘brain-hunting’ in libraries and universities, hoping to find at least a few well-developed minds left to snack on.

However, many have resigned themselves to a bleak future, where the intellectual feast of past generations has been replaced by the empty-calorie fast food of the modern mind.

“Maybe we should just switch to vegan brains,” muttered Rottsworth. “At least they think about things.”

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