Aliens Finally Land on Earth, Immediately Regret Their Decision

By Zoltan Terrestria, The Daily Throb

LOS ANGELES — After centuries of speculation, blurry UFO footage, and late-night conspiracy theories, aliens have finally made contact with Earth—only to immediately express deep, soul-crushing disappointment in what they found.

The extraterrestrial visitors, who identified themselves as the Xyloxians from the Andromeda Galaxy, landed their sleek, gravity-defying spacecraft in downtown Los Angeles early Saturday morning. Their arrival was greeted with awe, wonder, and, regrettably, a TikTok livestream filled with poorly spelled comments.

“Is This Seriously It?” – Xyloxians, Upon Arrival

According to Dr. Linus Spectra, an astrophysicist who witnessed the historic event, the aliens took one long look at Earth’s state of affairs and visibly cringed—which is impressive, considering they have no discernible facial features.

“This is… unacceptable,” said Zy’Lorr, Supreme Knowledge Keeper of Xylox, after scrolling through Earth’s internet for approximately 34 seconds. “You have had millennia to evolve, and yet… this?”

Among their chief grievances:

• “Your planet’s most powerful leader is an 80-year-old man who forgets where he is.”

• “Half of you don’t believe in climate change, yet we just landed in a city covered in smog.”

• “Your species invented artificial intelligence but still can’t fix traffic lights.”

• “You are literally still using paper money. Like, why?”

• “Why do you have so many fast-food chains? Are you farming your own population?”

Earth’s Official Welcome: A Florida Man and a Red Carpet Mishap

The United Nations, which had planned a formal diplomatic reception, was tragically outpaced by a shirtless Florida man with a ‘Take Me With You’ sign, who arrived first, holding a lukewarm gas station burrito as a peace offering.

Moments later, the official red carpet meant to welcome the aliens was accidentally rolled out into traffic, where it was immediately run over by a DoorDash driver.

“You are not ready,” Zy’Lorr concluded, sighing deeply before ordering the immediate departure of the Xyloxian fleet.

A Missed Opportunity for Humanity

Before leaving, the aliens considered sharing their advanced technology with Earth but ultimately decided against it, citing our “collective inability to use turn signals” and the fact that we still argue about pineapple on pizza.

NASA has since released a statement calling the encounter “a learning opportunity”, while billionaire space enthusiast Elon Musk has vowed to “build his own aliens, better ones” by 2030.

As the Xyloxians vanished into the sky, they left behind a single cryptic message, beamed in every language across the world:

“Do better.”

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