Uncle Sam Goes Viral: Government Buys TikTok, Mandates Daily Dance Challenges

By Chip Whetstone

In a bold move to “connect with the youth” and “secure democracy, one viral trend at a time,” the U.S. government has officially purchased TikTok. Effective immediately, all government officials—yes, even Supreme Court justices—are required to post at least one video per day.

“We want to ensure transparency,” said Press Secretary Karen Shuffle, who debuted her new role with a lip-sync to Toxic by Britney Spears. “What better way than a daily peek into our elected officials’ personal lives through poorly edited thirst traps?”

The Pentagon has already launched a new series, Tanks for the Views, where generals break down military strategy through interpretive dance. Meanwhile, Congress is struggling to pass a bill banning pineapple on pizza, but Senator Mitch Slapchop’s cooking tutorial on government cheese went viral overnight.

Critics argue the move is a desperate attempt to distract from actual policy failures, but the public has been reassured in a duet video with Charli D’Amelio, captioned: Don’t worry, we got this, fam.

Stay tuned for State of the Union: ASMR Edition, where legislators whisper budget proposals into a mic.

#DemocracyDances #TikTokOver #CongressClapsBack #UncleSamIRL