Self-Checkout Machines Now Asking for Tips

By Chase Register

Shoppers across the country are reporting a new, baffling addition to their self-checkout experience: the option to leave a tip for the machine. Several major grocery chains have quietly introduced the feature, leading to mass confusion, outrage, and at least one existential crisis.

“I scanned my items, bagged them myself, and then suddenly I was asked if I wanted to tip,” said bewildered customer Jenna Lewis. “Who am I tipping? The machine? The corporation? Myself?”

Retail executives insist the feature is “completely optional” and designed to enhance the shopping experience. “Customers love having more choices,” said a spokesperson for one chain. “And now, in addition to choosing between overripe and unripe avocados, they can also decide how much extra money they want to give us.”

Critics argue this is just the latest example of companies shifting costs onto consumers while eliminating actual jobs. “First, they made us do the cashier’s job, then they asked us to bag our own groceries,” said labor expert Dr. Lisa Marten. “Now, they want us to tip a machine? What’s next—self-checkout machines competing for Employee of the Month?”

While some customers have taken a stand by refusing to tip, others worry that declining might lead to unseen consequences. “I hit ‘No Tip,’ and I swear the machine hesitated before giving me my receipt,” said shopper Eric Dalton. “Like, it was… judging me.”

Despite the backlash and this being a satirical article, industry insiders predict the trend will expand, with rumors swirling that vending machines and gas station pumps may be next. Meanwhile, self-checkout machines remain silent on the matter—though if they could talk, they’d probably ask for 20%.

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