Now Serving Democracy: Fast Food and Retail Take Over D.C.

In a bold attempt to modernize democracy, the United States has officially outsourced its entire government to America’s favorite retail and fast-food chains. “Frankly, they’re already running our lives,” admitted one senator while standing in line at Buc-ee’s for a brisket sandwich. Now, instead of politicians, we’ll be ruled by store brands—and honestly, they might do a better job.

The Presidency: H-E-BH-E-B is taking the White House by storm, uniting Americans with an unbeatable combo of tortilla warmers, bakery samples, and salsa diplomacy. The State of the Union will now be announced over the intercom between price checks, and every executive order will come with a coupon.

Department of Transportation: Chick-fil-ADrive-thrus already operate with military precision, so Chick-fil-A is a natural fit. Congestion will ease, trains will run on time, and every traffic jam will be soothed with waffle fries. The only hiccup: the entire U.S. transit system shuts down on Sundays.

Department of Health and Human Services: Buc-ee’sIf you can keep bathrooms cleaner than a surgical suite while serving 300 types of jerky, you can handle the nation’s health system. Medicaid applications will now be available next to the Beaver Nuggets. “Public health starts with brisket,” declared the beaver.

Department of Defense: CostcoNo one stockpiles better than Costco. America’s defense strategy will now involve overwhelming enemies with 48-packs of muffins, pallets of toilet paper, and an army fueled by free samples. Access to the Pentagon will require a membership card and proof of bulk-snack readiness.

Department of Energy: General Electric (GE)With over a century of powering homes and lightbulbs, GE is taking over the national grid. Sure, a bulb may flicker here and there, but at least the country won’t be left in the dark as often as it was under Congress.

Department of Agriculture: Tractor Supply Co.Every family will now receive a government-issued baby chick and rain barrel. All USDA staff will be required to wear overalls, and subsidies will be distributed in feed bags.

Department of Education: GoogleLesson plans? Optional. Students will be taught how to properly “just Google it.” Exams will be open-search, homework will be graded based on SEO, and school lunches will be chosen by algorithm.

Department of Justice: UPSJustice will arrive in two to five business days, with real-time tracking numbers available online. Judges in brown uniforms will deliver swift sentences, and appeals may require additional shipping fees.

Department of Homeland Security: WalmartIf Walmart greeters can spot suspicious activity at 3 a.m. in the frozen pizza aisle, they can definitely handle homeland threats. TSA checkpoints will now feature rollback pricing and duct tape giveaways.

Department of Treasury: Krispy KremeMoney is fleeting, but hot glazed donuts are forever. Inflation will be measured in “how many boxes you can buy before the Hot Now sign turns off.” Paychecks will arrive in the form of assorted dozen boxes, with sprinkles for federal employees.

Department of Veterans Affairs: Bass Pro ShopsVeterans’ hospitals will now feature taxidermy bears, giant aquariums, and camouflage-themed therapy rooms. Counseling may occasionally take place in duck blinds, but patients will receive free lures with every appointment.

Department of the Interior: REINational parks will now be managed like an REI showroom. Entrance requires Co-Op membership, and rangers will double as yoga instructors. Every trail will come with a lifetime warranty.

Department of State: DisneyDisney is officially in charge of international diplomacy. Mickey, Goofy, and Elsa are already preparing for peace summits. The national anthem will be replaced with “When You Wish Upon a Star,” and foreign leaders can now book FastPasses for negotiations.

Department of Housing and Urban Development: Lowe’sPublic housing will now be designed with DIY kits, blue aprons, and aisles labeled “Diplomacy Supplies.” Congressional staffers will be trained to repeat the phrase, “Would you like to round up your rent for charity?”