Groundhog Sees Shadow, Declares Six More Weeks of Late-Stage Capitalism
- Phil Burrows
- Feb 2
- 1 min read
By Phil Burrows
Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow today, took one look at the state of the world, and immediately called for six more weeks of economic uncertainty, political gridlock, and overpriced eggs.
The annual Groundhog Day tradition, typically used to predict the length of winter, took a grim turn this year as Phil reportedly sighed deeply before making his announcement.
“Yeah, uh… looks like more of the same,” Phil said, adjusting his tiny sunglasses. “I was hoping for something different, but nope. Still layoffs, still inflation, still billionaires pretending to be astronauts. Good luck out there.”
Local officials tried to put a positive spin on the prediction, reminding citizens that Phil is just a rodent and therefore “has as much control over the economy as the Federal Reserve.” Still, the news has hit Americans hard, with many taking to social media to vent their frustrations.
“Why is this even a surprise?” tweeted one user. “That groundhog could see zero shadows, and my rent would still go up.”
Others are calling for Phil to be replaced by an emotional support opossum, arguing that “at least opossums look like they’ve been through the same things we have.”
Despite the doom-and-gloom forecast, some remain optimistic. “Sure, everything’s a mess,” said one Pennsylvania resident. “But if we’ve survived this long, we can handle six more weeks of… whatever this is.”
In the meantime, Phil has reportedly gone back into hibernation, refusing to re-emerge until someone “fixes things or at least gets universal healthcare.”
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