Frozen Neanderthal Unthaws, Announces Run for President of the United States

By: Rocky Stonewell

In a shocking turn of events that has left scientists and political analysts reeling, a Neanderthal found frozen in Siberia has not only been thawed and revived but has also declared his candidacy for President of the United States. The prehistoric man, nicknamed “Krug,” has captured the imagination of millions, running on what he calls a “Back to Basics” platform.

Thaw and Ambition

Krug was discovered earlier this year in a remote Siberian glacier, perfectly preserved for over 40,000 years. Scientists initially hoped to study his remains but were blindsided when an industrial heater malfunction thawed Krug out entirely—bringing him back to life. After a brief period of grunts and confusion, Krug adapted to his surroundings with surprising speed, leading researchers to describe him as “a natural problem solver with a flair for leadership.”

Once introduced to the concept of government, Krug reportedly stood, beat his chest, and proclaimed, “Me lead. Better than others.” The declaration was initially dismissed as a joke until a translator confirmed Krug’s intent to “fix what soft humans have broken.”

A Prehistoric Campaign

Krug’s campaign, dubbed Make Fire Great Again, has sparked an unprecedented wave of support. His platform focuses on core principles like food security (“More mammoth for all”), energy reform (“Why no fire in every home?”), and environmental sustainability (“Protect the trees; they make good clubs”).

His stump speeches, delivered in grunts and basic English phrases, have resonated with many disillusioned voters. “He’s straightforward and honest,” said one supporter at a rally where Krug smashed a podium to emphasize his point. “He doesn’t sugarcoat anything—probably because he doesn’t know how.”

Critics, however, have raised concerns about Krug’s policy knowledge and political inexperience. His response? “Brain big. Fix later.”

Rallying the Masses

Krug’s charisma and unorthodox style have earned him a massive following, especially on social media. His campaign slogan, “Fire Good, Lies Bad,” has gone viral, and his TikTok account boasts over 10 million followers. Viral videos of Krug wrestling a bear and roasting marshmallows with a flamethrower have further boosted his popularity.

The Neanderthal’s campaign is also notable for its simplicity. His team has eschewed traditional political consultants, relying instead on Krug’s gut instincts and a few researchers who taught him the phrase “Vote Krug.”

Eligibility Debate

While some constitutional scholars argue that Krug’s status as a prehistoric human might disqualify him from running, others contend that the Founding Fathers never anticipated this scenario. “He was born in what’s now Siberia, yes,” said one legal expert, “but technically, he’s older than the United States itself, so it’s unclear if he meets the 35-year-old age requirement.”

Meanwhile, Krug’s opponents have struggled to find a strategy to counter him. One rival, attempting to discredit Krug’s intelligence during a debate, was met with a devastating counterattack: Krug lifted the lectern above his head and roared. The audience erupted in applause.

The Road Ahead

As Krug continues his improbable journey to the White House, the world watches with bated breath. His next challenge? Winning over swing states, which his campaign refers to as “places with many mammoths.”

If Krug succeeds, it will mark a new era for American politics—one where primal instinct trumps conventional strategy. As he told a crowd at his latest rally, “Fire, food, people happy. Krug fix.”

And who’s to say he won’t?