Church of Bigfoot Expected to Surpass Christianity in the U.S. by 2030

By Fern Barkley, Religion Correspondent, The Daily Throb

The Church of Bigfoot is projected to surpass Christianity as America’s most popular faith by 2030, and analysts say it might not be the forest mysticism or pine-scented sermons driving the surge — it’s the free paperwork. At TheChurchOfBigfoot.org, anyone can become an ordained minister in minutes, no seminary required. “Why wait for a burning bush when you can print your certificate at home?” said Reverend Jake, Archminister of the Unseen, while sipping from a Kool-Aid chalice and breaking off a square of dark chocolate for communion.

Across the country, abandoned megachurches are transforming into Mega-Foot Chapels where freshly ordained Sasquarriors officiate weddings, baptize believers in fruit punch, and pass around mushrooms “for spiritual purposes.” Politicians are scrambling to respond with the proposed Hairy Amendment, which would count “forest patrol shifts” as civic duty and exempt anyone with a Bigfoot ordainment certificate from ever being asked to lead a prayer at Thanksgiving dinner.

Critics sneer that Bigfootarianism is nothing more than “sasquatchal silliness,” but Americans seem to love a faith that’s scandal-free, joke-friendly, and blurrier than their uncle’s fishing photos. Whether it topples Christianity or not, the momentum is undeniable: in a land of endless denominations, the most trusted minister might soon be your neighbor’s cousin who clicked ordain me at TheChurchOfBigfoot.org during lunch break.