New Law Allows Inner-City Families to Use Any Neighborhood Pool

By Wade Waters

In an unprecedented move, lawmakers have passed legislation allowing inner-city families to use any neighborhood pool, a decision that has sent shockwaves through suburban communities nationwide. Homeowners Association (HOA) leaders, who traditionally govern their chlorinated kingdoms with an iron fist, are now in full panic mode.

“This is devastating,” said local HOA president Karen Sanderson, clutching a clipboard covered in outdated pool rules. “We built this community pool with the understanding that it would be for our kind—you know, people who take pool rules seriously, like not running on wet surfaces and only peeing discreetly like the rest of us.”

Supporters of the law argue that pools should be open to all, regardless of ZIP code. “Water is a basic human right,” said activist Marcus Green. “Besides, most of these pools were already built with tax dollars, so technically, we all paid for them. Sorry, Karen.”

But some suburbanites are furious, insisting that new swimmers could disrupt their delicate ecosystem of lukewarm gossip, unearned entitlement, and over-chlorinated resentment.

One resident, Brian “No Fun” Thompson, attempted to cite a very questionable study that suggests “outsiders” might alter the natural pH balance of the water. “We don’t know what kind of energy they bring,” he muttered while applying a third layer of sunscreen.

Despite the outrage, families are already taking advantage of the new ruling. In Houston, local kids from apartment complexes have been seen cannonballing into gated community pools with reckless abandon, while soccer moms clutch their iced lattes in horror.

In an emergency meeting, some HOAs attempted to fight back by raising pool fees to absurd levels, requiring all visitors to pass a “neighborhood vibe check,” and instituting an impossible swim test that involves juggling while treading water. Unfortunately for them, the courts have ruled that these tactics are “just salty” and “not legally binding.”

In the meantime, many suburban dads have reportedly been training in secret, working on their perfectly executed passive-aggressive sighs and stern looks of disapproval in preparation for this summer’s splash-heavy invasion.

But no amount of sighing will change the fact that inner-city kids are here, they have floaties, and they’re not leaving.

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