Cops Can’t Give You a Ticket If You Get to Base, Rules Supreme Court
- Chase Dashmore
- Feb 1
- 2 min read
By Chase Dashmore
In a landmark ruling that is sure to shake the foundation of law enforcement, the Supreme Court has determined that police officers cannot issue tickets or make arrests if the suspect reaches “base” before being caught. The 5-4 decision, hailed as a victory for childhood playground rules, officially recognizes the centuries-old doctrine of “Base Immunity”, which legal scholars say was first established in heated games of tag.
“This is a great day for justice,” said constitutional law expert Dr. Martin Taggart. “For too long, Americans have been unfairly ticketed simply because they failed to declare ‘safe zone’ before the officer could reach them. Now, if you make it to base—which can be anything from a lamppost to your own car—you’re untouchable.”
The ruling originated from the case Johnson v. Traffic Cop, in which a Texas man successfully argued that since he touched his front porch before an officer could write his speeding ticket, he was officially “safe.” The officer, unable to dispute this logic, was legally obligated to turn around and walk back to his squad car in shame.
Police unions are furious over the decision. “This ruling effectively turns every traffic stop into a high-stakes game of ‘the floor is lava,’” said Officer Doug McRunnerson. “We’re already seeing criminals sprinting for mailboxes, fire hydrants, and grocery store checkout lines to evade justice.”
Some cities are now scrambling to redefine what constitutes a valid “base.” Los Angeles has officially designated all Starbucks locations as “neutral zones,” while New York has stated that subway poles do not count, since “you’re supposed to avoid touching those anyway.”
Meanwhile, local daredevils are already testing the limits of the ruling. This morning, a Florida man evaded an arrest by diving onto a park bench and yelling, “SAFE!”—forcing an exasperated officer to turn around and call it a day.
Critics worry that the decision could have unintended consequences. “If criminals start carrying bases with them, we’re in trouble,” said one legal analyst. “We could see suspects running from cops while holding doormats, legally declaring themselves untouchable at any moment.”
As for the general public, reactions have been mixed. “Honestly, it’s about time,” said Houston driver Kevin Masters, who has been caught speeding seven times but now plans to “install a home plate in my passenger seat, just in case.”
While police departments scramble to adjust, one thing is clear: The justice system has finally caught up to what every 8-year-old already knew—if you make it to base, you can’t be tagged.
Comments