That’s Nazi We Expected: Elon Musk Declares Himself Supreme Leader of Innovation and Government Contracts

By Victor Von Chortle

In the latest chapter of his absurdly over-the-top quest for dominance, Elon Musk has gone full dictator. Forget SpaceX or Tesla—Musk has now set his sights on controlling not only tech but the entire U.S. government. And, honestly, we’re not sure if this is a dystopian nightmare or a very expensive midlife crisis.

Rumors began swirling last week when Musk reportedly seized operational control of the Treasury Department during what officials are calling “a really weird Zoom meeting.” Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, allegedly muted for most of the call, could only watch as Musk renamed the Federal Reserve to “The PayPal Vault” and replaced the U.S. dollar with Dogecoin for all federal transactions.

But that was just the start. Musk also announced a $400 million deal to sell ugly, matte gray Cybertrucks to the U.S. government for “tactical operations.” What are these “tactical operations,” you ask? According to leaked documents, they include delivering pizza to Area 51 and chasing after rogue Amazon delivery vans.

“Cybertrucks are the future of warfare,” Musk declared in a late-night tweet. “Also, they’re great for camping.”

Elon’s Guide to Tyranny: The Dictator Edition

For those wondering how one man could spiral so quickly into tyrannical lunacy, here’s a breakdown of Elon Musk’s recent power plays:

1. Seize the Treasury Department

Why stop at running companies when you can also run the U.S. economy? Musk’s first move was to reprogram federal payment systems so all refunds now go directly to SpaceX. “It’s just simpler this way,” he said.

2. Sell the Government Overpriced Cybertrucks

Musk has reportedly convinced Congress to buy a fleet of Cybertrucks for $400 million, calling it “the deal of the century.” The vehicles come equipped with bulletproof windows that definitely won’t shatter during live demonstrations.

3. Buy Government Officials

Musk, ever the innovator, found a shortcut to democracy: buy it. According to insiders, he’s allegedly been spotted on Capitol Hill handing out Tesla gift cards and promising free Wi-Fi on Mars to anyone willing to back his plans. Political analysts are now wondering whether “The Lobbying Game” should be rebranded as “The Elon Game.”

4. Rename NASA’s Mars Program to ‘Muskville’

Musk recently “borrowed” NASA’s Mars program, rebranding it as Muskville and demanding that any future Martian cities feature giant statues of him holding a flamethrower.

5. Control Earth and Space

With SpaceX’s unparalleled fleet of rockets and satellites, Musk now has unprecedented control over both Earth and the cosmos. Starlink satellites beam internet to billions, but they also give Musk the ability to blackout communications worldwide. Need to launch a payload into orbit? Musk has the monopoly. Need to get back to Earth? Better hope you didn’t criticize him on Twitter—or “X,” as he insists.

Military Cybertrucks: Because Why Not?

Musk’s Cybertruck deal isn’t just about profit—it’s about revolutionizing military transport. Equipped with features like “eco-friendly rocket launchers” and a “self-driving battlefield mode,” these monstrosities are somehow both impractical and terrifying.

Meanwhile, U.S. soldiers reportedly hate them. One Marine described the Cybertruck as “a metal brick with wheels” that gets stuck on hills and causes morale to plummet during combat simulations.

A Tyrant, or Just Bored?

This satirical article was brought to you by The Daily Throb. While we’ve had our fun, we believe the underlying concerns are real. Musk’s immense wealth gives him power and influence on a scale never before seen, and he has shown a willingness to use it in ways that blur the line between innovation and control. With his dominance over technology, the economy, and even space, Musk has positioned himself in a way that should make us all deeply concerned. If one man can buy governments, control global communications, and dictate access to the stars, what comes next?