Political Parties Unite to Approve Clones for Testing, Because Better Them Than Us

by A. Nomaly

In an unprecedented show of bipartisanship, politicians from every corner of the political spectrum have agreed on a groundbreaking new initiative: the creation of human clones to serve as medical test subjects and general-purpose crash dummies for humanity.

Dubbed the Clone Trial Initiative, the program promises to revolutionize medicine and safety testing by using clones to take experimental drugs, test vaccines, and even survive car crashes—all so the rest of us don’t have to.

Cloning for a Cause

“We’re not creating clones for anything sinister,” assured Senator Tom Pragmatic (R-TX). “We’re creating them for science. It’s the responsible thing to do. And, frankly, who wouldn’t want to see if their immune system rejects a drug before they take it?”

Under the new program, each citizen will have the option to request a clone of themselves for medical testing purposes. Clones will serve as genetic guinea pigs, taking experimental treatments to see if they cause adverse effects, testing out the latest anti-aging creams, or even determining how someone might react to a diet consisting entirely of gas station hot dogs.

“It’s not just about health,” said Representative Harmony Progress (D-CA). “Think about how many lives we could save by using clones to test car crashes or new fire-retardant suits. They’ll be our crash dummies—only smarter.”

A Safer, Smarter Future

The initiative also hopes to eliminate the guesswork in drug development. “Imagine knowing exactly how a new medication will affect you because your clone took it first,” said Dr. Lois Boundaries, a bioethicist on the project. “We’re talking about personalized medicine on a whole new level. You could save time, money, and possibly your life.”

Pharmaceutical companies are already hailing the program as the next big leap in medical research. “This will accelerate our ability to develop safer drugs,” said a spokesperson for BigPharma Inc. “No more waiting years for clinical trials when your clone can test your prescription in a week.”

Public Concerns

As with any major scientific breakthrough, the Clone Trial Initiative has raised some eyebrows. Critics worry about the ethical implications of cloning, particularly the possibility of clones developing independent thoughts or feelings.

“We don’t need clones thinking they’re people,” said activist Dee Realperson. “What if they get ideas? Like unions?”

Program administrators have reassured the public that clones will be strictly monitored to ensure compliance. “We’re keeping this simple: clones are here to take the hits so you don’t have to,” said Dr. Boundaries. “They’ll have no rights, but they will have purpose.”

Some citizens remain uneasy about the concept of watching their genetic doppelgängers suffer for science. “I don’t want to see my clone get sick,” said Houston resident Mark Dupree. “But if it’s between me or him… well, sorry, buddy.”

Next Steps

The Clone Trial Initiative is set to roll out next year, with cloning facilities opening in major cities, including Houston. The program will initially focus on pharmaceutical testing before expanding into other areas like safety research and space exploration.

Organizers insist the program will remain ethical and transparent. “We’re not playing God,” said Senator Pragmatic. “We’re just borrowing His ideas for the greater good.”

Whether clones will truly revolutionize medicine or create an entirely new set of ethical dilemmas remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: humanity has never been closer to the ultimate safety net—sending in the clones.

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