AI to Replace Therapy: Chatbots Now Charging $150 an Hour to Ask ‘How Does That Make You Feel?’

By Paige Ficker, Artificial Empathy Correspondent

In a groundbreaking move that has mental health professionals scrambling, Silicon Valley has unveiled the next step in the evolution of therapy: premium AI chatbots that cost just as much as real therapists but come with half the empathy and double the processing power. The new service, dubbed “FeelBetterGPT,” promises to revolutionize mental health care by making therapy more accessible to people who can’t stand other humans.

The AI, trained on decades of therapy transcripts, can now flawlessly simulate a classic therapist’s response. “We’ve programmed the bot to say phrases like, ‘Tell me more,’ and ‘It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed,’ in over 27 languages,” said Dr. Alan Algo, head of Emotional Technology at the start-up MindBotics. “Our research shows people prefer an AI therapist because it won’t judge you for eating an entire cheesecake or crying during a Fast & Furious movie.”

Despite the steep price tag of $150 an hour, thousands have already signed up for FeelBetterGPT. “It’s so convenient,” said Emily Delgado, a self-proclaimed introvert. “I just type out my feelings, and the bot responds with comforting clichés. Best part? I don’t have to change out of my sweatpants or explain why I’m late. The bot doesn’t even care if I ghost it for weeks!”

However, critics argue that AI lacks the human connection crucial to therapy. “Therapy is more than generic responses,” said Dr. Marsha Real, a licensed psychotherapist. “People need eye contact, subtle affirmations, and, most importantly, someone who doesn’t refer to their childhood trauma as a ‘file upload error.’”

The controversy hasn’t stopped developers from doubling down on the concept. Future updates to FeelBetterGPT will include premium features, such as the “Parental Disappointment Simulator” for unresolved family issues and the “Ex Analysis” mode, which generates thoughtful responses like, “You deserved better, but let’s be honest, you stayed way too long.”

Insurance companies have also jumped on board, offering plans that cover chatbots while quietly cutting coverage for real therapists. “This is a win-win for us,” said Karen Billings, spokesperson for InsuraHealth. “AI therapy costs less to administer, and our customers feel better, or at least that’s what the bots tell us to say.”

Not everyone is thrilled about the rise of AI therapists. A growing number of mental health professionals are staging protests under the banner “You Can’t Hug a Chatbot,” demanding protections for their field. Meanwhile, a rogue group of therapists is reportedly working on a competing AI, dubbed “FeelWorstGPT,” designed to validate your worst impulses and make you question your every decision.

As society hurtles toward an AI-dominated future, one thing is clear: the bots are ready to listen, as long as your Wi-Fi holds up. But whether artificial empathy can truly replace human understanding remains a question for the ages—or at least the next software update.